Today I cried...Saki looked at me as I walked in and she said...if it wasnt something i wanted so badly, i would give up everything just to be with you...but you know how much this means to me...

i melted

Life is getting so much more paradoxical, now that I am single again, actually its leaning more towards despondency...I mean I am single and that is supposedly a benefit for my age, but when I look at Saki sometimes I literally have to leave the room because I am breaking into tears. I have to say that I love her, and knowing I cant have her is heart breaking...

But I guess I really can't look at the issue as something I can mend, because its something that is not fixable, I am not about to convert Saki to my views and brainwash her and tell her being a mother is great, because that is something I couldnt ask her to do unless it was something she wanted. Family life is the last thing in her mind, and I dont even have to say anything to her to know that is in her heart. Her drive is her career.

I think Saki is also in some sort of pain, but she is trying to hide it by dating people, currently she is dating two people, some guy name Paul and a girl name Kelly...its not that I am jealous its more like a malignity thing...

But whatever, I guess it was bound to happen, that I would be forgotten, its not that I asked her to remember me, its more I asked just to be friends, so friends is probably all we were meant to be, so I can deal somehow.

Dane is my main squeeze right now, and that is all that shoulder matter, his life and my own. Dane is all the happiness I need.

Well I talked to Dane's mother and she is starting up school in the Fall of 2006, of course I will be graduated by then, so since she is starting school and going full time, she isnt going to raise Dane anymore, so he will live with me. My parents said they will give me some lee way, once I graduate there going to wait until I get a place to stay and a job before I take Dane into my custody, but the court date to change the custody rights is next month, he will be put into my custody, and that wont go into effect until July 2006, or something like that.

I just know that he will be getting visiting rights to his mother which is okay.

Life is hitting me hard, I talked to Saki about it, and she isnt thrilled about being a parent, because she said she wants to accomplish things in life before that, so we talked about it for about three hours and decided to break up, not because he hate each other or anything, we just decided to break up because its for the best.

I mean we can still be friends, but were going to end up going different ways after we graduate, she is probably going to move closer to her parents or with her parents again, and I am probably going back to Atlanta to start my career and be a father.

I respect Saki's decisions and cannot hate her for them, its not my job to impose something like that onto a person.

We broke up because later on it might be harder for us to do it, so we went ahead and made it easy for us.

We decided to go back to being best friends, but my honest opinion, I still love her a lot, and dont plan to date outside of the relationship again. I mean I really cant say again, because I am not sure what will happen down along the road, but for right now I rather be alone, I have too many things to worry about, mainly school and the preparation of being a father.

Can you believe it, Dane, my little boy is finally going to be reunited with his father again. He is five years old and is going to be starting school next year. Right now he is in preschool, but next year will be the start of kindergarten. I am so proud of him, and I am glad that it will be me that takes him to his first day of school.

But none the less I need to sumbit an assignment in Tenshi and then be off to write a program for class.

I am just sitting here in computer forensics bored out of my mind...there is no end to it...Saki and I are going out tonight, salsa dancing! I cant wait...It should be really interesting, she said she bought a hot little black and red dress just for the occasion, and surprise surprise I bought something too. I have a black pin stripe with red shirt, a red blazer cuffed with black on the collar and sleeves and black slacks and some cool red loafers i found...were going to match! how cool is that? Cool to me that is...

I also bought her a ring, nothing huge or flashy, just a promise ring, a promise that I will rise and get over my fear of relationships. I would say I have grown with her and have come far. I mean I let her shower with me and she saw me naked, why anyone would endure that I dont know but she did.

I mean I am still fearing the huge step. Sex. because we saw how that went last time, not so well, but there is still a lot of time for all of that.

Yes, and last weekend was Little Dane's birthday...he is growing up so much! My little boy is five years old, I went and saw him, and he asked if he could live with me...I told him not know, not until I establish my life, of course i used smaller words then that, but that is what I talked to his mom about.

She says she has been holding back her dreams long enough and she wants to go to college, but she cant if she has to care for Dane, so she says I need to be the father and take Dane in my life and have myself and Saki adopt him into our life, I mean sure I am all for it, but its nothing I want to impose on Saki, that should be her decision, not mine, and if she is not cool with it, I will simply move out and go somewhere else, sure I will still stay with Saki and have her as my girlfriend but she needs to be ready for that.

I can tell she isnt when I talked to her about it, after she came back from visiting her little sister, and that is okay. I dont judge her for that at all. I still love her, she can choose her life.

But I graduate this spring, and I am planning to get a job as soon as possible, Saki also graduates in the spring, and its up to her whether she wants to follow me, I mean it hurts a little to think we might go our separate ways and have to end things, but if it is what happens it is what happens. The promise ring will still stand.

This is probably over sharing my life a bit, but last night was an experience I will never forget, the passion in the night was beautiful, Saki and I cried together, but that was not the night. I look at this live journal as a place to confess and speak of my inner feelings and such.

Last night when I came home from work, Saki had the dining room, dim lit, the lights were low, but the room was surrounded with floating candles, she spent time filling up vases with water and buying floating candles at Target, well she cooked an excellent meal, it was beautiful, we started with Aji, Buri and Hamo sushi, I was impressed that she got all those ingridents...Japanese curry was the main dish, and for dessert we had chocolate pound cake, afterwards I was a gentle man and did the dishes for her, while she poured us wine, she went into the living room listening to Enya...we looked into each others eyes and went into passion basically...kissing if you didnt know...

Well it ended up, Saki and I got into the shower together, that was a large step for me, it wasnt sexual at all, we just took a shower together, holding each other, it was very romantic in my opinion, while we did it we were crying, then when we get out we dry off and fall asleep holding each other naked, it was a powerful union that i have never felt before.

I love Saki.